The Rewards of Really Bad Behavior

A small article tucked away in the Local section of today’s Philadelphia Inquirer caught my eye. It seems 39-year old Anthony Miller of Lancaster was so desperate to get away from his bossy wife that going to jail seemed like a rosier alternative. Talk of divorce only triggered threats of suicide from a wife described, perhaps kindly, as “overbearing.”

Mr. Miller decided to escape – by robbing a bank. During the heist, he surprised tellers by checking on their efforts to call the cops. Sure enough, he was apprehended, pled guilty, was sentenced to three to six years and skipped off to prison, if not exactly happier, at least considerably less henpecked. He and his harridan are now divorced, sans slit wrists. True story!

Some may say this was the act of a truly desperate man. I say, how creative! That’s what I call “thinking outside the box”, though poor Mr. Miller is now literally boxed-in for the foreseeable future. Yes, one man’s felony is another’s innovative problem-solving. We all know the old “squeaky wheel” adage. And all around us, we see examples of people, hell, entire countries (can you say North Korea?) being rewarded for really bad behavior.

So, taking a cue from Mr. Miller’s brilliant example, I’ve compiled a handy list of ways the average non-felon can use this high risk-high reward approach to solving everyday problems:

• Housework. No sane person likes housework. It’s not so bad occasionally, but the conundrum is, no matter how often or how well done the task, eventually it will ALWAYS need to be done again. And again. It’s like the NBA season – endless, and full of sweaty socks. The Miller Alternative? Set a fire. Not a large one, mind you, but a smallish one you can easily control. The goal is to have some visible damage without depriving your family of shelter or oxygen. When neighbors stop by or your mother-in-law visits, wave a hand toward the scorch marks and complain that you can’t properly clean house until the insurance adjuster arrives. This should buy you two, maybe three, blissful housework-free months.

• Homework. Students today are way too busy to do homework – all that texting and time in the shower, I guess. Look to that wily octogenarian Kim Jong-Il for guidance. Say the kid next door walks past your house. Or a cookie-selling Girl Scout rings the doorbell. Take them hostage and lock them in your bedroom closet. Then, announce to your parents that unless they let you buy your homework off the Internet like everybody else, your “guest” will do hard labor making your bed and scrubbing your toilet (another silver lining!). If they don’t cave, your parents may be persuaded to send in a VIP peacemaker. I doubt Bill Clinton would be available, but I’ll bet Al Gore would consider mediating. He might even agree to do your homework for you.

• Unhappy Marriage. Mr. Miller has already demonstrated one clever solution by going to jail. But ladies, if you’re not quite up for communal showers and stripes make you look fat, try this: join the convent. You’ll get free food, shelter and rosary beads. The vows can be tricky, but really, who needs talking or sex? After all, change the N to F and what do you get? FUN! Once in the nunnery, I don’t recommend bad behavior – you may get away with it in this life, but you might catch hell in the next.
  

As you can see, really bad behavior need not go unrewarded. It just takes some imagination to turn your bad deeds into your best assets. Good luck, and remember what Mae West said: “When I’m good, I’m really good. But when I’m bad, I’m better.”