Becoming Visible

Once again, Mother's Day is here, and I admit to feeling a little...conflicted. As a mom, I am grateful for my daughter, think of her as a best friend and feel truly blessed to know her. As a step-mom, things are a bit more complicated.

I have three step-daughters. Two only recently entered the picture, in that I was married to their Dad several years before meeting them. The third I've known almost as long as I've known my husband. Except for one of them, one time, I've never been acknowledged on Mother's Day.

I get it, though, and don't blame them a bit for ignoring me on this Hallmark holiday. I'm guessing Mother's Day causes equal confusion for step-daughters, who are put in a potentially awkward position vis a vis Mom/Step-Mom. After all, how would I feel if my daughter paid the same respect and attention to her stepmother as she does to me this day? I might feel a little...jealous, or threatened. I suppose it's different if you're helping to raise young children, or your step-children live with you. Then the step-mom role is bit more defined, more involved, more "card-worthy."

In my case, all three were adults or near-adults when we met, so these are fully-formed young women with their own lives and ideas. All three are quite close to their respective moms, and as far as I can see, rely on and cherish that relationship. Which is as it should be.

Which leads to the conflict or confusion of this day. Where does that leave me? Am I supposed to be more like a special "aunt" or is "friend" possible? I don't always know what's right. I do know, "stuck in the middle" is a familiar feeling, as conflicts arise between father and daughter or husband and ex-wife. Most times, that is a "lose-lose" deal for me, so the best strategy is to listen, give advice only if asked (and even then very cautiously), and try to be supportive without being judgemental. So, it's like walking a tightrope, blind-folded.

My relationship with my step-daughters is a one-step forward, one-step sideways, one-step back kind of thing. I feel like we tip-toe around each other a bit. As the years go by, and these relationships mature, I am hopeful that genuine feeling can grow between us. I think that will happen if we can view each other as individuals in our own right - not "my father's wife" or "my husband's daughter" but as unique women with experiences, opinions, feelings and fears that are worthwhile and deserving of respect.

I am very fortunate to have that kind of relationship with my own daughter, and it's very gratifying. There's real respect there, and trust, and a sense that we can rely on each other for emotional support. I think a similar relationship with my step-daughters is possible. I don't want to infringe on the special bond they have with their own moms. I just want to have a more meaningful relationship with each of them.

In the blockbuster movie, Avatar, the Na'vi people of Pandora greet each other by saying "I see you," meaning they look beyond the surface and acknowledge each other's inner being. Corny, I suppose, but it sort of captures what I'm thinking about today.

Meanwhile, I got a chuckle from the Mother's Day card my daughter sent. The hand-drawn message from my two grand-daughters tugs at my heart. Flowers from my husband adorn the dining room table. I reflect on the blessings in my life, and realize that includes my three step-daughters. I remember that every relationship is a two-way street, and pledge to do my best in the future.

So to all you step-mom's out there, Happy Mother's Day. "I see you."